on turning 30

Above: The view from the East River Parkway near my home, Thanksgiving weekend.

When I asked Mom what she did for her 30th, she says she doesn’t remember — “I already had you for half a year!” Dad doesn’t remember what he did for his either. He says every day is his birthday.

Birthdays blend together after a certain point, even the milestone ones. You have other things occupying your brain: kids, career, mortgage, marriage, aging friends & parents, cartoons, etc etc …

I hoped I’d have something brilliant to say once I turned 30. But after nearly a month of mellowing out and letting the old bones sink in, nothing brilliant’s popped out yet. I am stuck with myself. Ta-da! Maybe that is the golden realization.

Above: my brother in his trademark flannel

Here’s what I did for my 30th: my brother Jeremy took the Amtrak from Washington DC to visit me, and we had two nights of wandering around Manhattan — complete with pub crawls, saying hi to neighborhood friends at Hong Kong style diners + Yu & Me Books + the Book Club on E 3rd Street. And then late-night soup dumplings. Samson joined us, too! My first meal of the 30s was a midnight pepperoni pizza from Joe’s thanks to Samson. My first dessert was birthday soft-serve ice cream at the office with Jeff. All this while reading lovely birthday wishes throughout the day.

Roxie tells me that throwing a massive birthday party for yourself and expecting people to come and celebrate you is a very American thing to do. Only her dogs will get birthday parties, no humans she says.

I did not throw a party. How hypocritical of me, enjoying other people’s parties but not wanting the trouble of throwing my own. If I threw one you would have been invited, of course. 😉

I felt anxious and stressed during the final week of my 20s. Have I done everything I wanted to do? Did I take enough risks to warrant all the work and goodwill that has been put into me?

Mom and Dad were responsible for a lot more by the time they were in their 30s, and the same goes for all my grandparents and beyond. Meanwhile, here I am getting the chance to do just about whatever I want in my dream city — so long as I can financially support myself. It’s almost like I have a moral duty to be a baller in order to make all those generational sacrifices worth it.

How fortunate to have my brother visit me. The last time I had a milestone birthday with a special guest was my 21st, with Maja visiting all the way from Denmark. Brian would come very soon after from Ireland. I’ve been lucky again and again.

Above: my brother Jeremy on the left, Samson on the right — over at Craft & Carry on St. Mark’s

Advice (or mostly reassurance) from friends in their 30s:

Everyone I ask says the 30s are so much better than the 20s.

  • At 30, you can still have 2-3 cycles of major fuckups and still be okay! This is from Josh and Pip — by major fuckups, they mean getting in a relationship with the wrong person or two or three, making a horrendous career switch, or moving to a new city you absolutely hate. If each major mistake takes a year to embed yourself into and another year to get out of, then you have at least 2-3 big swings before life gets more complicated — and then you’ll have enough material for an excellent memoir. Maybe the only irreversible thing is having a kid early or doing really hard drugs.

  • You have so much agency over your life. Well, duh. But sometimes I need some lunchtime cafeteria conversations to get my head out of my butt. If there are any changes I’d like to make in my life, now is an excellent time because you have the resources, energy, and will to do so. This also goes for narratives I have about myself. Three other narratives or identities I’d like to rewrite: 1) I stink at math, 2) I stink at being handy / making things / fixing things with my hands, and 3) I am quiet as a mouse in larger group conversations.

  • For relationships, “you still have time” before getting into one. Here’s where I get the most conflicting advice. Friends who are already parents or who’ve been in relationships for over a decade are often in the “no rush” camp. At the same time though, if you’re considering a relationship with someone, why not start now and have those extra years of sweet memories to build with them? Or if you’ve been a floater for most of your life, why not give it a shot — there are some things that you can only find out once you get into a long-term relationship. Both Samson and Tony have told me this independently without meeting each other. If two close friends from two separate friend groups are saying the same thing about you, they’re probably onto something.

  • Kids change everything, even preparing & thinking about them. Today and for the next few years, I will exercise my dude privilege and not worry too much about fertility. And yet, I can’t ignore it entirely. I see friends who are already freezing their eggs, some paying $18,000+ for the whole process. They show me the needles and tell me about how double-digit egg counts are great, or how they only got a few the first time around so now it’s time for round two, which means more $$$. And then I see interviews where stars like Michelle Yeoh open up about not being able to have kids despite really wanting them, and how it took her years to stop blaming herself for it. The stakes feel higher now.

  • Your body will start to have aches, but that doesn’t mean your spirit has to slow down. You can still be playful, and even keep pockets of whismical-ness as responsibilities pile up. 30 is far too young to be grumpy and pessimistic about trying new things, and the same goes for being 60. (Cheers to Amy on this one).

Anyways, my takeaway is that: 1) the 30s rock, and 2) I’ll probably have my heart broken a few times and that’s okay, and 3) I should do what I want before I have kids.

Perspectives I hope to develop and hone in my 30s:

Sometimes I’ll encounter a sharp Asian man in their 50s (whether in print, in-person, or online) and I’ll think oh yes, I would like to be as perceptive and handsome and generous in spirit as that guy when I grow up. Here’s what I imagine it takes:

  • #1. Taking the long approach to friendships and relationships — and keeping the door open for old friends to return. I think this is especially important in the 30s, where everyone’s path is rapidly diverging regarding careers, partners, and families. Towards my late 20s, I was able to have reunions with people I hadn’t seen in almost a decade or longer, thanks to having more bearings on my career and having the resources to go far, far away. A decade was long enough for many of these friendships to return full circle.

  • #2. Having a playful approach to imposter syndrome. Sometimes imposter syndrome is warranted — I have no business fixing your car engine. But I’m hoping the lack of confidence itself is a signal to do something about it rather than freezing up (e.g., if I feel like an imposter about crunching numbers, I can read a book, talk to an expert, yap about it to a friend) — even if that “do something about it” is deciding not to do something about it.

  • #3. Making urgency my friend – at least when it comes to taking action on learning new skills and responding to old friends. I feel like there are two things I need to learn sooner rather than later: language learning is one and the other is craft (like writing, for example). If I look at my favorite Asian guy authors who are fathers (Viet Thanh Nguyen, Hua Hsu, Charles Yu), they all honed their craft to a certain professional level before becoming a parent. Starting from square one while doing parenting duties isn’t impossible, but it’s definitely trickier. And as for responding to lovely messages from old friends – well, if I can write a message to a teammate within the same business day, surely I can carve out the same time for homies.

  • #4. Deliberately seeking out the company of tender & compassionate people — especially if they’re older or have every excuse to be angry and bitter, but choose not to be. They’re often very interesting and curious, too. And just being next to them pushes me to be more kind and gracious.

  • #5. Prioritizing late-night conversations with dear friends. I already do this, but I hope I don’t lose sight of this. Conversations with old friends or even curious strangers have a specific time and place: everyone has to be in the right mindset, the right setting, the right mood. Sometimes the conditions all line up, and I can’t expect the same result to happen the next day. So I will continue to brew that coffee or hold my eyelids open if I need to.

  • #6. Pulling, not pushing. What I’m trying to say here is that I’d love to build a life that is so engaging with strong relationships and learning new things that I don’t feel the need to say or do “please like me” behaviors wherever I go. I hear this is another fantastic perk of the 30s — not worrying so much about what other people think, and having the confidence to pursue your own particular interests. And then other people can enter and exit as they please. Eventually you meet other people who match that same vibe and stick around, and not once did any of you feel it was forced or rushed.

What do I want to do in the next decade?

Some ideas to start with:

  • Write a book by 40. (What to write though?)

  • Take one new skill beyond research and be able to do it at a professional level. (But which skill shall it be? Ceramics and bartending classes have been cool so far, although I do not have dreams of being a master potter or mixologist just yet).

  • Lead international research studies in the field with confidence. Live out my boyhood dreams of pretending to be Anthony Bourdain, and now Lucas Sin. And making a living from it, ha!

  • Contribute to the broader research literature (even if it’s just one cheeky article), and find a way to have my feet in both industry and academia. Being a full professor is out of the question without a PhD. But what about being an adjunct? Students do bring a lot of energy and excitement to the work, and as exhausting as teaching can be, it is fulfilling. I hear from friends who adjunct that having even 1-2 awesome students per semester in an otherwise infuriating class can make the whole ordeal worth it.

  • Speaking and writing in Cantonese vernacular — enough to read a book (at least The Little Prince), read and contribute to online message boards, and sustain a 1-hour conversation with family & family friends and the Chinatown uncles and aunties. After Cantonese can come Mandarin.

  • Learn how to drive & be comfortable with manual transmission before electric cars and autonomous vehicles go everywhere. I have no use for this in New York City (no car), but if I’m traveling or ever living elsewhere — I think driving manual is so much more fun and engaging.

  • First bike-camping trip. I hear about friends cycling around Taiwan, Japan, and even to Montreal, and all that sounds wonderful.

  • Visit all continents, including Antarctica.

  • Fall in love, get married, have two kids, etc etc. If none of the other things, then hopefully at least I’m in love. I’m also not trying to raise a family inside the same 300 square foot / 27.87 square meter studio by the time I am 40, but if that’s the case, so be it.

If the 20s were all about gathering twenty different inputs all at once and gorging on as many experiences & perspectives as possible, I feel like the 30s are more about being intentional with the moments of free time I still have left.

I’ll still bake in lots of time for experimenting & good relationships though, I hope that will never change.

2023 reflections

In Death Valley on a family trip, December 2023. My brother took the photo; I didn’t realize a place like this could even have water.

2023 marked the end of my third full year in New York City. By the numbers, this is the most stability I’ve had in my 20s:

  • Three years of working at the same company — I normally do the Silicon Valley groove of bouncing within two.
  • Three years of living in the East Village, two in my current apartment studio next to my adorable Italian landlord Alberto.
  • Two years of hanging around the Yu & Me bookstore as a second living room, not just as a second job.

Last year didn’t feel so stable though. Especially when you consider ongoing layoffs across the tech industry, the bookstore literally burning down, and wars directly affecting people I care about. I’m surprised more things haven’t blown up yet.

I also turned 29. I can feel urgency & angst bubbling within me — the sense that it’s time to get serious™. But serious about what?

I’m realizing more and more how precious free time is. Now is the time to push harder on what I want to learn & experience until other life duties catch up. I’m in a fortunate position where my family is healthy, and I’m not expected to be the breadwinner for anyone other than myself — this isn’t a time period I want to squander.

What were some of the major life events this year?

Some endings, some new beginnings:

The view from Victoria Peak, Hong Kong (April 2023).

Visiting family in Hong Kong in April, saying farewell to Grandpa. 爺爺 was getting old, so we flew over to see him one last time. He’s my last grandparent after all. We were fortunate to catch him, he passed away peacefully several weeks later. 99 years is a solid run. I hope to be able to live that long, too.

  • During this trip, I wondered which genes seem to be dominant for the men within the Chan family. After thinking about Dad and Grandpa and watching Dad hang out with his grade school & high school friends, so far I’ve realized it’s 1) having a big appetite, 2) having an inner drive to say hi & acknowledge whoever’s physically around us, and 3) unspoken loyalty to our beloved daily & weekly routines — the same way we may be loyal to close friends and family. If I have kids, I wonder if they’d end up sharing the same quirks.

  • I enjoyed hanging out with my extended family: Auntie Alice, Uncle Ming, and my cousins Jemmy, Cayley, and Kalena, and saying hi to all of Mom and Dad’s old friends. I often wonder what life would have been like if I had grown up in Hong Kong instead of California. Uncle Ming still drives the red taxi cabs, and he took us to all the neighborhood spots, late-night fruit markets included. Hong Kong has changed so much since the last time I visited pre-pandemic in 2020. You can hear a lot more Mandarin in the streets. Even the taxi cab models have changed — the classic Toyota Crown Comfort is still there, but now they also have these funny bubble-like taxis for hybrid versions. They’re quite spacious and cute. I still think the classic ones look better in the Hong Kong movies though.

  • Watching Dad as an older brother and not just as Dad is fun when Auntie Alice is around. We also got the chance to check out my cousin Jemmy’s day in the life (including his own lunchtime bookstore habit), and his new apartment studio. If you think the housing situation in New York is nuts, wait until you see Hong Kong — having a spot of your own is a huge flex, many people live with their family until they start their own. On the last day, we did a cousin’s night out over in Lan Kwai Fong, one of those party districts known for late-night shenanigans. Like St. Mark’s Place in Manhattan, but even more dense with people flowing onto the streets.

  • Months later in December, we tried some of Grandpa’s 40+ year old tea that he kept until his death (普洱茶 / Pu’er tea). It’s in the form of a giant circular tea brick. Why he kept it all this time is beyond me (maybe another thing we share: getting attached to old things), but the tea tastes excellent. Brewing that tea is another way of having him around.

One of my favorite photos of Dad and Grandpa, January 2020. Looking at the congee menu.
One of my favorite photos of Dad and Grandpa, January 2020. Looking at the congee menu.


Big tech layoffs. For Meta, layoffs were happening at the same I was visiting family in Hong Kong. I left my work phone & laptop at home so I’d worry less, but I did ping friends via Instagram to check if my internal workplace profile got deactivated. Did you “get fried”, my family would ask in Cantonese (same fried as fried squid). What I appreciated is the spirit of celebrating if I got laid off, and celebrating if I didn’t all the same. Regardless of the outcome, they are both new beginnings — even if you keep your job, your relationship with it is going to change. May as well mark the occasion in a crap situation.

  • Ongoing tech layoffs have me reconsidering how to approach risk. Even big tech companies with billions of active users are not immune from market pressures.

  • Will I be a “user experience researcher” forever? Applied research is still fun. But I also wonder about other avenues to be nosy for a living, or what I can do to build the skills required to change the shape of the research work that I do (e.g., tackling challenges that contribute to the frontiers of the field itself, not just a specific product. Or maybe I can explore new fields). For now it’s still a sweet spot.

Bookstore fire on July 4th — and the rebirth two months afterwards. I was at a barbecue hosted by my friend Samson when I see on the WhatsApp group chat a fire started directly above the store. By the time we both reached the bookstore, the place was soaking from the firehoses. Frank the upstairs neighbor and his bulldog Bam Bam didn’t make it; they used to stop by the store on walks and Bam Bam would waddle around and sniff the T-shirts. Some things just suck, and there’s no finger-pointing to be done.

  • What do you do when your homie’s dream is full of ashes? In the immediate aftermath, there was nothing to do except commiserate with whiskey time together and wagoning out the books that survived. But the whole bookstore team, Chinatown + literary community showed up to support. Even people living far, far away from NYC showed up. Reading articles about your friends during the rebuilding process is also really inspiring.

  • Lucy scored a temporary location in the basement of Essex Market in the Lower East Side, just two months after the fire. It’s an open market, so we ended up selling books next to a sushi restaurant and across the lane to a pickle shop. They were all lovely neighbors though, spoiling the staff with sake and pickles and warmth.

  • I was glad when the bookstore re-opened. At the time I was just filling in the Firday & Saturday nights with more dates, social hangouts, and visits to another bookstore + bar combo called the Book Club on E 3rd Street (another favorite haunt).
Somewhere near Poughkeepsie in upstate New York, September 2023.

Witnessing dear friends get married. I’ve officially entered the wedding season of my life. One in upstate New York with Brian & Mel. One in Alabama with Ryan & Bianca. Both weddings also doubled as exchange year and college reunions.

  • I love watching dear friends in love, and watching them be surrounded with the love they deserve. Something both couples do well: how they keep in touch with so many other kind & thoughtful people over the different decades of their life. I think I gravitate towards that kind of quality in close friendships. How fortunate I feel to learn from each of them.

  • Wrote a wedding toast for the first time at Brian & Mel’s. Their guidance: anything so long as it’s under two minutes. Presenting in front of 100+ people at a campfire was nerve-racking (how do I say I love you in two minutes in front of everyone?), but for dear friends like them — I’ll do it for sure. The advice I heard from friends while writing the toast: keep it short & sweet, it’s all about the vibes. Everybody will be itching to party it up right afterwards anyways.

  • With the toast muscles all warmed up, I even did an impromptu one in Alabama together with Wes, my college roommate Ryan’s childhood friend. This one was an intimate “double wes toast” after many beers + espresso martinis in, and after the official ceremony was already long over. There’s a very giggly audio recording out there somewhere.

  • I experienced some wedding traditions for the first time: with Brian & Mel, there was witnessing the ketubah, and the hora dance where you lift the bride and groom up on chairs and dance around in circles — had always seen that in movies, but in real life the energy is electrifying. For Alabama: it was watching the bride & groom (and their parents) do 10-second kegstands the same evening as the wedding ceremony. Wow!
Pre-wedding explorations at the U.S. Space & Rocket Center in Huntsville, Alabama. November 2023.

Joining the Cantonese Discord channel group. The Cantonese Alliance was started by Lee Dennig over at Stanford University, and is part of the larger “Save Cantonese” movement. Like many good things last year, I learned about this Discord channel from a cool bookstore customer named Matthew. The Discord channel is volunteer-run, and they host live discussions and lessons every single week on topics like history, food, personal storytime about growing up in southern China, and so on. I try and get on here at least once a week when I’m not traveling.

  • Why this sudden urge to relearn Cantonese? I think visiting Hong Kong for the first time since the pandemic + Grandpa’s death had something to do with it. There’s a risk of losing my connection to my cultural heritage if I don’t develop my Cantonese now. The bookstore customers and the local Chinatown community have also been encouraging me to seek more opportunities to practice Cantonese.

  • The weekly sessions can be humbling: in small groups of 5-7 people, there’s no hiding — I am often visibly and audibly the weakest out of everyone. But the more I can get over that shame, the quicker I’ll be able to make progress on language learning.

  • Realization: some of my choices in adulthood are largely making up for goofball moves in my youth, like dropping out of Chinese school on Saturdays. So now I make up for it by going on Tuesday nights
From the Cantonese Discord channel. I can’t read most of the characters just yet, but I think it’s a really cool resource with both live chat rooms and asynchronous discussions about food, culture, and language practice.

What do I think went well in 2023?

  • Engaging the NYC community, learning new ways of sharing the city with loved ones. I’m starting to feel a sense of belonging in the city. I have my spots where I’m a “regular” and say hi to everyone (e.g., V-Nam Cafe, Kong Sihk Tong, Tokuyamatcha & Onigarizu Bar). And I have my regulars when I’m working at the bookstore. And now I can even say I have close friends who live a train line or two away from me, not only in different time zones or cities. When my family came to visit in NYC earlier last year, I also felt a lot more confident in playing tour guide for them. One of my top memories together was riding the ferry all the way from Astoria down to Wall Street (that’s a great date idea too, by the way).

  • Making the most out of weekday nights (socially, at least). I was about to write that having plans 5-7 nights a week for ~90% of the weeks last year was excessive. But at the same time, I think it fits my stage of life. I was able to explore a lot about nurturing platonic and romantic love within a very condensed period of time — which is helpful since I’m very a late bloomer when it comes to matters of the heart. I’ll likely calm down for 2024 though. Let’s say I’ll have plans 4-5 nights a week for this year. 😉

  • Practicing crucial conversations™, both at work and in personal relationships. I hate conflict. Arguing and fighting unsettles me. But there are such things as productive conflicts — I remember long ago my research mentor Colleen said she only has arguments with & for people she cares about, otherwise she wouldn’t bother with the trouble. I think I follow a similar path.

  • Turns out the workplace is a great place to practice these tough conversations. It got tough enough with some challenging stakeholders that I asked for help from my research manager Daniel, and we started a tradition of kicking off weekly meetings with talking about: “what did you say ‘no’ to last week, and how did you say it”.

  • I’ve been hearing from different friend groups I’ve been getting more confident in drawing boundaries, sharing sad news, or even expressing anger & discontent. I’ve been using those same muscles to ask for something I may be embarrassed about wanting (say, affection), or even in ending things amicably when a potential relationship is not working out. I think I’m on good terms with many people I dated longer-term because of that. No dilly-dallying, at least when it comes to the more tender feelings.

  • Staying afloat & collected in critical moments. The late 20s are chaotic in general, with people hooking up, breaking up, and diverging in life “milestones”. I’m just glad I kept my head on straight and didn’t make any rash decisions in ending friendships for resolvable reasons or ragequitting my day job during the more absurd moments, or whenever my ego felt bruised. I definitely fantasized about giving some people the middle finger.

What do I think could have gone better in 2023?

  • Keeping up correspondence with dear friends I don’t see regularly. This is the one I am most embarrassed by. I showed up for friends who live in NYC, but I didn’t show up for faraway friends! There’s this big ball of guilt following me around, like I am the friendship killer with my neglect. Friends have sent me lovely postcards, and I have yet to reply. There were even some check-in messages to see if I’m okay. (I totally am, if a bit disorganized). Rather than just mope around and feel guilty about this again, I can simply write them back.

  • Health: getting more sleep, and strengthening my knees. I am a reasonably healthy fellow, but recoveries aren’t as fast as they used to be. I smashed my knees after a bicycling accident on my 29th birthday and while I can do light hikes and go up and down stairs again, it’s been several weeks since I last went for a run. And towards the end of the year, I noticed myself taking accidental micro-naps in the middle of the afternoon at my desk or even during larger group meetings just from the lack of sleep. I’m still young, but I’m feeling less invincible than I used to.

  • Getting stuck in a creative rut. I’m looking at the goals I wrote in my last annual reflection, and it talks a lot about writing. But how much did I write outside of my day job last year? Not so much — even my usual snail mail habit fell through. Luckily, I know the culprit: I simply didn’t dedicate time and space to it! I was wandering around outside so much. So I’d like to dedicate purposeful time to that this year.

  • Keeping clean and tidy. If you’ve been to my place, you’ve probably seen it in various stages of tornado disaster. Time for me to stop living like a college dorm room guy. The same goes for my office desk with all sorts of loose papers and knick-knacks spread about. I like to think I have a lot of things together: career, friends, a community. I want to make my living situation a part of that, too.

Questions I’d love to explore this year in 2024:

  • What am I actually looking for in a long-term relationship? And what’s the work I’m willing to put in for one? I’ve been in a few different almost-relationships over the past year. Almost-relationships as in: having serious conversations, being exclusive for the time we’re dating, maybe even having a toothbrush at their place — but always stopping short of going through the dance of introducing each other to friends & family as “this is my boyfriend / girlfriend / partner”. Often it ends when we both acknowledge 1) we don’t want the same things (e.g, kids or no kids?), or 2) we want the same things, but at different times (e.g., I’d love to be married and be a father, but not within the next two years).
    • Maybe I need to be honest with myself and consider whether career and community are taking the top priority for me right now, over relationships. (Watch me ignore everything at a moment’s notice in 2024).

  • How can I make better use of my mornings and evenings outside of the office or bookstore? There’s a guy named LindyMan on Twitter who talks about the “4HL”, or the 4-hour life, where if you work the traditional 9-5 office job and factor in other things like commuting & basic life duties, you have about four hours to yourself each day. I have an office job, so uh, that’s my situation. So long as I’m in that setup, I would like to find a way to make the most out of those 4 daily hours, especially towards being creative, even building towards something that requires dedicated focus for a year or longer (e.g., a book, not just an essay).

  • “When’s the last time you took a big swing?” Big swings as in: taking big risks in career and life decisions. Moving to New York City in January 2020 was one big swing that worked out well beyond my wildest dreams. That was also four years ago. Life is only going to get more complicated as I get older, so if there’s a time to take some big risks, now is the time.
    • But now comes the hard part: what to swing at? I am thinking the two big swings I’d like to take this year are in career and relationships, but even I don’t know what that that would look like.

Overall, I’m happy and grateful with how 2023 went. Got the chance to say goodbye to Grandpa one last time. Kept two jobs I like, economic conditions and literal fires be damned. And I’m feeling a lot more confident in how I communicate in friendships and relationships.

Now it’s time to refocus a bit in 2024, and make sure I’m dedicating my energy to the right places. As Finn from “Adventure Time” says: “no more pajamas”.

I also have a fat three-week cough as I’m writing this, the kind that makes my ribs hurt. Maybe this will be what gets me to go to the doctor’s office for the first time in four years. Cheers to Christy for the Pei Pa Koa (which I think tastes great, like licorice) and to Lucy for the get-well-soon Pop Tarts.

A power combo for the ages.

Is this what it means to be Chinese American? Har har. (Just kidding, I refuse to be reduced to loquat leaf syrup and brown sugar)

2022 reflections

Uh, I’m way late to the annual reflection train — it’s already spring and even Lunar New Year was two months ago. I’ll carry on as if it’s still a fresh start. (Plus: any time is a good time for reflection). I hope you had the chance to celebrate with loved ones — or at the very least, with a good meal.

I’m 28 now. I’m hitting that milestone era where more and more dear friends are making new babies, adopting cats & dogs, getting engaged. I don’t have any of those particular milestones just yet, but there are other ones I’d like to celebrate. Milestones like:

  • Finding a second home at the Yu & Me Bookstore: This one’s the most life changing for me.I started the year off with one job (research) and now I have two (bookselling and tending bar at the Yu & Me Bookstore on Fridays & Saturdays). It all started as a happy accident. An old friend told me about their opening day in December 2021, and I loved it so much I just kept coming back every Sunday. Turns out if you hang out in one spot for long enough you eventually start making friends. These days the store feels like an extended living room where I have the chance to meet artists, chefs, neighborhood characters — and even some writing heroes. I’m so grateful to Lucy & the community there. I thought I’d be more anxious about giving up free time on Friday and Saturday evenings, but that hasn’t been the case at all.
  • Saying farewell to Clubhouse (or: decoupling my social life from apps alone): In 2021 and in the first half of 2022, Clubhouse dominated my social life. During the height of the pandemic, I spent nearly 40 hours per week on it. And when I wasn’t on the app, I’d be hanging out with Clubhouse friends in the flesh. People would fly halfway around the world to meet up in New York City, and I’d meet them in real life after only hearing their voice for months. I still keep in touch with some Clubhouse friends but it’s been a long time since I’ve even had the app on my phone. (Oddly enough, my dating life is still dominated by apps like Hinge. You’d think more meet-cutes would happen with the world opening up again, or with me hanging out in the bookstore all the time. Maybe I’m doing it all wrong).
  • Living a third full year in New York City! I made it! Am I allowed to call myself a New Yorker yet? One surprise is that three years of New York City living has turned me into a giant softie. I can think of two moments where I cried in public as an adult last year: once in the East Village Theatre while watching Everything Everywhere All at Once and once outside of Morgenstern’s ice cream after catching up with an old friend for the first time in five years after falling out with them. The reason for the waterworks: why didn’t we just talk and resolve our argument five years ago? We both felt so silly about it all. And then a couple months ago my eyes got all watery in the middle of a Brooklyn coffee shop after Amy shared a poem (The Quiet World by Jeffrey McDaniel). Anyways, I thought NYC life was supposed to make me a hard-ass and it didn’t.

More events to note from 2022:

  • Going on reunion tours as an adult: After I switched research teams from classic Facebook to Reality Labs, I went on a one-month reunion tour to see old friends from an exchange year in the Netherlands — some of whom I hadn’t seen in nearly a decade. The core spirit and dynamic was still intact (mutual curiosity, warmth, good nature & silly humor) even though we have many more responsibilities now compared to when we were students. For my friends who became moms and dads, some of them still live vibrant social lives — to this day I am fascinated by how Maja holds down a job + teaches blues dancing classes in the city + while having a 1-year old. I’m nowhere near being a parent just yet, but it’s good to know it’s not the “end of a social life”.
  • Said farewell to Grandma in Portland: first over the phone when she was alive and then again for the funeral. Is it funerals and weddings that bring the widest range of people to a single gathering? Great to see mom’s side of the family again (how would I have turned out if I grew up in Portland instead of San Jose? My first guess is that I’d be a lot more into sports). Even met some new cousins since it’s been so long since I last returned there.
  • Got a haircut. That sounds silly, but after I jumped into the Washington Square Park fountain with Wendy and lost my glasses, I figured it was time to say farewell to the long pandemic hair I grew. (If I need new glasses I may as well switch up my entire look). The long hair was starting to get in the way when I ate noodles anyways. When I told my dad he said he was going to celebrate with a fancy milkshake.

What do I think went well in 2022?

  • Trying out new experiments beyond my research day job. I think it’s fun to not let daydreams remain daydreams. I wanted to try out ceramics, so I tried ceramics (there’s a cute studio in Brooklyn that offered wheel throwing classes). I wanted to try out bartending, so I took classes and now I can make a cheeky cocktail whenever I want. And now with the bookstore job, my fantasy of being both a bartender and a bookseller gets to be fulfilled in one full swoop, even if the extent of the bartending is opening up a beer can and pouring out bagged wine (although the bagged wine has gotten fancier since my school days).
  • Learning how to make the most out of weekday nights. In the past I would mostly just do more work at my research day job. That’s cool, but I do think it represents a long-term opportunity cost: the world is so big, and there’s so much more to learn beyond my immediate work projects. An additional several hours of work in the evening usually only leads to marginal increases in actual work output. And I’d like to think I’ve gotten more creative than simply sinking some pints at the Book Club, or the Craft & Carry on St. Mark’s. You’ll still find me there, but I’m having less lonely beers than during the earlier days of the pandemic.

What do I think could have gone better?

  • Maybe I can shoot for 1-2 quiet evenings per week? Since the second half of 2022 I’ve been packing my schedule — nearly every single day and every single night I’ve been making plans with friends, dates, and work teammates in the city. On one hand this was great for developing social stamina. A night out or back-to-back hours of socialization do not drain me for an entire day afterwards. I don’t want to say “oh poor me, I have so many people to see that I’m out every single evening”. But I am looking forward to a more focused 2023. Sometimes I think it’s distracting me from other goals I’d like to be mindful about, like reading my ever-growing pile of unread books or even writing more. Watch me struggle with this though, the temptations are so strong while living in Manhattan.
  • Expressing vulnerability™, or even preferences & desires: Earlier in the year I received a very interesting piece of feedback from someone I was dating: “I never know when you’re hungry, when you’re thirsty, when you’re tired, when you’re sad or angry — and because of that, I don’t really feel like I know you.” For the longest time I thought that being mature was learning how to stomach things: learning how to endure, how to stay the course, and needing less from other people. I actually still think that’s great, but maybe it’s time to let people in a bit more, especially when love is on the table, and if it means developing fuller friendships & relationships. There is a cost to be being too easygoing, and I’m seeing the limits of that. (I also think a large part of this is because I’m still learning what my preferences are).

Questions on my mind:

  • How can I chip away at being conflict averse? When it comes to difficult conversations (e.g., not meeting someone’s expectations, letting someone down, or being let down), I actually think I’m okay in keeping a cool head and addressing the issue. But I’m not often the first to bring it up, or be proactive about it. This goes for the workplace especially, but in dating & friendships I could do with bringing up things early instead of doing my usual “well, maybe if I wait long enough everything it won’t become a problem”. Maybe this is why I am so drawn to people who are blunt (see: many New Yorkers and the Dutch). I want to be able to develop that kind of quality myself.
  • How can I be a good host? That could mean being a good host in my apartment, or even a good host in the bookstore. For all my life I’ve been excellent at being a professional guest, learning the rules and unspoken rules and abiding by them, even thriving under them. But what happens when I am the one setting the rules and the vibe? I have to be more mindful of the setting I am trying to create. I hope it’s something cozy and warm to start off with though.
  • How can I be more intentional in building deeper local friendships? (Or even: introducing friends to each other?) Towards the end of 2022, Amy asked me how many people I’d be able to call at at moment’s notice that also live in New York City. I thought that was a good barometer for how many deep friendships I am building up post-university. The next muscle to exercise would then be to introduce friends to each other! My usual friendship mode is to be a floater across different bubbles. One close friend here in this friend group, one close friend there in another friend group. Many of my close friends don’t know each other, but they certainly hear about each other — introducing them to each other in person could be fun.
  • What’s the game I’m playing? Credits to a cafeteria conversation with my research teammate and mentor Fabian: am I playing the status and prestige game, where I’m pouring all my resources into winning the respect of strangers, or even superficial respect from friends and family? Or the universal love and appeal game, where I’m begging to be wanted and desired by everyone (even if I may not even want their company in the first place?). When I ask Fabian what game he was playing, he mentioned something about the compassion game, where the goal is to become even kinder and more understanding of others. I didn’t realize that was an option for a game. I’d much rather play that one.

A few weeks ago I received an email from my adorable Italian landlord, Alberto:

Save for the romantic love part, on paper I think I have just about everything I want or had sought after when I was a student: dear friends, and the ability to do research work in the city of my dreams! I could probably use more sleep though, less stress at work, and take better care with keeping my room tidy.

Will it stay this dreamy way forever? Of course not. But I’d like to think I can recognize a good thing when I see it. There’s also a real chance that I might get laid off from my job next week, so I might even be on the cusp of another transition period.

My honeymoon period for living in NYC is over, but I’d like to think that makes room for me to build something even deeper.

Thanks for reading! Hope to stick around for next year. In the meantime, it’s time to visit my family in Hong Kong — Grandpa is 98! Greetings from an airbus in the sky.

the morning E train, #1

9:20 AM: It’s a Friday. But instead of being in the office I’m in the E train to JFK. Today I’ll need to be a good boy in a different way and go to Grandma’s funeral in Portland. (Two years of Manhattan living and it was only this week I noticed I didn’t have a black button up shirt to wear for her — maybe my wardrobe is the last frontier for NYC culture to shape). Five stops to go. My mind is blank aside from being grateful I don’t have to make any more train transfers beyond the AirTrain at Sutphin Blvd.

In comes a guy with a boom box playing “Cold, Cold Heart” — that new one with Elton John and Dua Lipa both. That new one I’ve asked Siri to name at least twice at the Craft + Carry pub on St. Mark’s.

The doors close on Roosevelt Avenue. The guy begins his solo: doing kick flips, jumping up on poles, hanging from the ceiling. If you live in New York, you’ve seen this before. The guy tries to make eye contact with each of us, but most are either half asleep or pretending to fall asleep — impressive, considering how the boom box is at max volume. There’s less than ten people altogether.

The dance is over in less than two minutes, maybe even one. (Was this his 5th or 50th of the day? All my pole dancing friends say it’s a good core workout). He walks around with his hat turned upside down. I give two bucks. He says thanks friend with a warm smile and gives me a fist bump.

The grandma at the last bench says something to the guy. I didn’t hear that part. I did hear what the guy said after: I’ll keep pushing, but it hurts. It hurts. He patted his heart each time he said hurt. Then he opened the door to the next train carriage to do it all over again.

Now I feel guilty for only giving two bucks.

2021 reflections

I spent the bulk of the holidays in my childhood home in San Jose, California — my first time back after nearly two years of New York living. It’s cozy to have a place to return to. Family reunions revolve around food, drink, and giggly conversation (especially if my brother is there, too). They always have.

San Jose in the new year!

The neighborhood looks the same as when I left it, save for a few additions. The childhood park has some new outdoor exercise machines. Some new boba shops opened up (each one called Tiger-something), and now there’s this new Code Ninja tutoring service that promises to teach your 5-year-old kid Python and Java (tell me you’re in Silicon Valley without telling me you’re in Silicon Valley). But the biggest shocker is how my favorite cash-only pho place now accepts credit cards.

I hit some big boy milestones in 2021. To start, the Citibike app tells me I’m a top 1% user of their heavy bicycles. No extra perks come with that one aside from feeling cool.

But another one is how I moved into my own apartment studio (300 square feet!) in the East Village next to my adorable Italian landlord, Alberto. He sends me funny WhatsApp messages and invites me to artsy galleries and events when he’s not in Rome. The apartment itself has a cute fire escape that feels good to sit on during the warmer months. And the East Village neighborhood is popping, with a vibrant arts and munchies scene, curious characters with boomboxes and tricked out e-bikes in Tompkins Square Park, and NYU students wandering around in the evenings. All this makes me feel young and hip. I’d like to call this home for a long while.

I also turned 27; I’ve had a couple months of trying it out. My older friends tell me 27 is a good age. They talk about it as if it were so far away, even though they’re only in their 30s. At 27, you’re still in your hot years, a bit more established in your career (maybe), and less of an angsty mess than in the early 20s — or at least that’s the case with me. I’m definitely feeling more confident than I did last year, and I wonder if it has anything to do with the New York magic rubbing off on me.

27 is also the age of increased expectations; both the ones people have of you, and the ones you have of yourself. I’m not getting any younger, and it’s getting a bit harder to play the hey-I’m-fresh-out-of-school card that I enjoyed playing so much back then, especially when asking strangers for career and life advice. I watch the NYU undergrad students lollygaggle around the East Village and Washington Square Park, and almost envy them (until I realize it’s difficult to live in the city if you don’t have a scholarship or big piggy bank, let alone concentrate on textbooks). Being 27 also just means I see more new babies, doggies, and engagement rings in my Facebook and Instagram feeds.

2021 was also the first year in my life where algorithms made an outsized difference in who I actually met and became friends with in the world. The year started off lonely and miserable with the pandemic, but then a few apps on my phone helped kickstart a sense of belonging in the big city:

  • Clubhouse: I downloaded it in February 2020, thinking it would be a fun way to listen in on juicy conversations while doing my laundry or on lunch breaks. I ended up spending many of my waking hours on it (40 hours a week almost during the winter and spring of 2020, whoops) along with other people who were lonely, bored, or craving social contact during the lockdowns. The rooms I hung around the most were the coworking spaces (imagine a virtual WeWork except with half the room starting their workday and making coffee, and then the other half going for tea or ending their day), late-night relationship gossip rooms, and the Asian diaspora rooms. I ended up meeting new friends around the world, some of whom even came to visit New York City — many of them even live in New York City! So that’s been a blessing.

  • Dating apps: cheers to the makers of Coffee Meets Bagel and Hinge! I’ve met a lot of vibrant, smart, interesting women through them — sometimes I can’t help but think it’s easier to go on a date in New York City than it is to make a dear friend in adulthood. (I wonder if many of my dates feel the same way). For years I felt embarrassed about being a late bloomer when it comes to love and romance. Turns out no one really cares. Sweet!
Outside the Nom Wah Tea Parlor on Christmas Eve, 2021!

Some questions to start off the year in 2022:

  • What can I do to be a better faraway friend? For dear friends who are farther away (different state, different country), I have been horrendous in leaving messages to marinate for weeks and months! Even my snail mail habits have fallen. So maybe instead of thinking that every catch-up has to be a long-winded message or letter, or hours-long at a time, I could start with postcards, or goofy memes. There are many ways to say “I am thinking of you”.
  • What can I do to be a better local friend? Just in general I’ve been thinking about friendships and relationships a lot more these days, as they’re a large part of what makes NYC feel more like home. I think I’m getting better at intentionally initiating hangout plans with friends these days compared to my time in California when I took a more passive approach (especially since in New York it seems like people makes plans days or weeks out in advance), but it’s still something I have to actively work on — especially since I value alone time as well. In my youth I got spoiled by awesome friends who would take on most of the planning work. It’s unfair of me to expect that from people (although it’s lovely when it happens).

  • How can I improve my hand-eye coordination, and learn skills beyond research? I’ve been yapping about taking bartending classes and ceramics classes since I first moved to NYC. I don’t know why I kept delaying it. There’s a certain confidence and grounding in the real world that I’ve seen people who develop their craft with physical materials have that people who work with pixels & screens alone may not have — and I want that so much! To be able to think with my hands, and make something new with just a block of clay or colorful liquid courage. I signed up for some bartending classes to start off with; they start next week.

There’s actually a lot more I’d like to work on for 2022, but let’s start with those three questions for now. I don’t want to get too greedy.

That’s it for now! Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

a welcome interruption

I was doing my evening mope around University Avenue when a giddy couple snuck up from behind and blocked my path. They held their hands above me as if I were underneath a tunnel and asked me questions in French. I tried to tell them I don’t understand French; that made them even giddier.

The dude in the tight blue T-shirt went for a hug first. Then the girl in the wavy blue summer dress. (She’s the better hugger). She poked my left cheek as if to tell me to cheer up, and then they both ran away.

I started thinking of old friends and family instead of whatever silly work problem I was worried about.

the neighborhood cat

I found a cat outside my apartment door. I don’t know whose it is, or if it has a home. No name tag either. I held my hand out and it started purring and rubbing its head against my knuckles. And when I opened the door it walked inside.

Then it went over to my neighbor’s door. They have a straw doormat — great for scratching the hard-to-reach places.

Now I can’t stop thinking about cats. Each time I return to the apartment I wish it were back to greet me. I even stocked up on canned fish from Trader Joe’s. Herring for me, tuna for the cat.