{"id":4015,"date":"2023-04-15T14:00:57","date_gmt":"2023-04-15T21:00:57","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wesleyschan.com\/blog\/?p=4015"},"modified":"2023-04-15T14:00:57","modified_gmt":"2023-04-15T21:00:57","slug":"2022-reflections","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wesleyschan.com\/blog\/2022-reflections\/","title":{"rendered":"2022 reflections"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Uh, I\u2019m way late to the annual reflection train \u2014 it\u2019s already spring and even Lunar New Year was two months ago. I\u2019ll carry on as if it\u2019s still a fresh start. (Plus: any time is a good time for reflection). I hope you had the chance to celebrate with loved ones \u2014 or at the very least, with a good meal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full\"><a href=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/wesleyschan.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/IMG_3836-1.jpg\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/wesleyschan.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/IMG_3836-1.jpg?w=840\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-4020\"\/><\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image size-full is-resized\"><a href=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/wesleyschan.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/IMG_3858.jpg\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/wesleyschan.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/IMG_3858.jpg?resize=630%2C840\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-4017\" width=\"630\" height=\"840\"\/><\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I\u2019m 28 now. I\u2019m hitting that milestone era where more and more dear friends are making new babies, adopting cats &amp; dogs, getting engaged. I don\u2019t have any of those particular milestones just yet, but there are other ones I\u2019d like to celebrate. Milestones like:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><strong>Finding a second home at the Yu &amp; Me Bookstore: <\/strong>This one\u2019s the most life changing for me.I started the year off with one job (research) and now I have two (bookselling and tending bar at the <a target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https:\/\/www.yuandmebooks.com\/our-story\">Yu &amp; Me Bookstore<\/a> on Fridays &amp; Saturdays). It all started as a happy accident. An old friend told me about their opening day in December 2021, and I loved it so much I just kept coming back every Sunday. Turns out if you hang out in one spot for long enough you eventually start making friends. These days the store feels like an extended living room where I have the chance to meet artists, chefs, neighborhood characters \u2014 and even some writing heroes. I\u2019m so grateful to Lucy &amp; the community there. I thought I\u2019d be more anxious about giving up free time on Friday and Saturday evenings, but that hasn\u2019t been the case at all.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>Saying farewell to Clubhouse (or: decoupling my social life from apps alone): <\/strong>In 2021 and in the first half of 2022, Clubhouse dominated my social life. During the height of the pandemic, I spent nearly 40 hours per week on it. And when I wasn\u2019t on the app, I\u2019d be hanging out with Clubhouse friends in the flesh. People would fly halfway around the world to meet up in New York City, and I\u2019d meet them in real life after only hearing their voice for months. I still keep in touch with some Clubhouse friends but it\u2019s been a long time since I\u2019ve even had the app on my phone. (Oddly enough, my dating life is still dominated by apps like Hinge. You\u2019d think more meet-cutes would happen with the world opening up again, or with me hanging out in the bookstore all the time. Maybe I\u2019m doing it all wrong).<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>Living a third full year in New York City! <\/strong>I made it! Am I allowed to call myself a New Yorker yet? One surprise is that three years of New York City living has turned me into a giant softie. I can think of two moments where I cried in public as an adult last year: once in the East Village Theatre while watching <em>Everything Everywhere All at Once<\/em> and once outside of Morgenstern\u2019s ice cream after catching up with an old friend for the first time in five years after falling out with them. The reason for the waterworks: why didn\u2019t we just talk and resolve our argument five years ago? We both felt so silly about it all. And then a couple months ago my eyes got all watery in the middle of a Brooklyn coffee shop after Amy shared a poem (<a target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\" href=\"https:\/\/www.poetryfoundation.org\/poems\/49238\/the-quiet-world\">The Quiet World<\/a> by Jeffrey McDaniel). Anyways, I thought NYC life was supposed to make me a hard-ass and it didn\u2019t.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>More events to note from 2022:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><strong>Going on reunion tours as an adult: <\/strong>After I switched research teams from classic Facebook to Reality Labs, I went on a one-month reunion tour to see old friends from an exchange year in the Netherlands \u2014 some of whom I hadn\u2019t seen in nearly a decade. The core spirit and dynamic was still intact (mutual curiosity, warmth, good nature &amp; silly humor) even though we have many more responsibilities now compared to when we were students. For my friends who became moms and dads, some of them still live vibrant social lives \u2014 to this day I am fascinated by how Maja holds down a job + teaches blues dancing classes in the city + while having a 1-year old. I\u2019m nowhere near being a parent just yet, but it\u2019s good to know it\u2019s not the \u201cend of a social life\u201d.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>Said farewell to Grandma in Portland<\/strong>: first over the phone when she was alive and then again for the funeral. Is it funerals and weddings that bring the widest range of people to a single gathering? Great to see mom\u2019s side of the family again (how would I have turned out if I grew up in Portland instead of San Jose? My first guess is that I\u2019d be a lot more into sports). Even met some new cousins since it\u2019s been so long since I last returned there.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>Got a haircut. <\/strong>That sounds silly, but after I jumped into the Washington Square Park fountain with Wendy and lost my glasses, I figured it was time to say farewell to the long pandemic hair I grew. (If I need new glasses I may as well switch up my entire look). The long hair was starting to get in the way when I ate noodles anyways. When I told my dad he said he was going to celebrate with a fancy milkshake.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>What do I think went well in 2022?<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><strong>Trying out new experiments beyond my research day job. <\/strong>I think it\u2019s fun to not let daydreams remain daydreams. I wanted to try out ceramics, so I tried ceramics (there\u2019s a cute studio in Brooklyn that offered wheel throwing classes). I wanted to try out bartending, so I took classes and now I can make a cheeky cocktail whenever I want. And now with the bookstore job, my fantasy of being both a bartender and a bookseller gets to be fulfilled in one full swoop, even if the extent of the bartending is opening up a beer can and pouring out bagged wine (although the bagged wine has gotten fancier since my school days).<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>Learning how to make the most out of weekday nights.<\/strong> In the past I would mostly just do more work at my research day job. That\u2019s cool, but I do think it represents a long-term opportunity cost: the world is so big, and there\u2019s so much more to learn beyond my immediate work projects. An additional several hours of work in the evening usually only leads to marginal increases in actual work output. And I\u2019d like to think I\u2019ve gotten more creative than simply sinking some pints at the Book Club, or the Craft &amp; Carry on St. Mark\u2019s. You\u2019ll still find me there, but I\u2019m having less lonely beers than during the earlier days of the pandemic.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>What do I think could have gone better?<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><strong>Maybe I can shoot for 1-2 quiet evenings per week? <\/strong>Since the second half of 2022 I\u2019ve been packing my schedule \u2014 nearly every single day and every single night I\u2019ve been making plans with friends, dates, and work teammates in the city. On one hand this was great for developing social stamina. A night out or back-to-back hours of socialization do not drain me for an entire day afterwards. I don\u2019t want to say \u201coh poor me, I have so many people to see that I\u2019m out every single evening\u201d. But I am looking forward to a more focused 2023. Sometimes I think it\u2019s distracting me from other goals I\u2019d like to be mindful about, like reading my ever-growing pile of unread books or even writing more. Watch me struggle with this though, the temptations are so strong while living in Manhattan.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>Expressing vulnerability\u2122, or even preferences &amp; desires: <\/strong>Earlier in the year I received a very interesting piece of feedback from someone I was dating: \u201cI never know when you\u2019re hungry, when you\u2019re thirsty, when you\u2019re tired, when you\u2019re sad or angry \u2014 and because of that, I don\u2019t really feel like I know you.\u201d For the longest time I thought that being mature was learning how to stomach things: learning how to endure, how to stay the course, and needing less from other people. I actually still think that\u2019s great, but maybe it\u2019s time to let people in a bit more, especially when love is on the table, and if it means developing fuller friendships &amp; relationships. There is a cost to be being <em>too <\/em>easygoing, and I\u2019m seeing the limits of that. (I also think a large part of this is because I\u2019m still learning what my preferences are).<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Questions on my mind:<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><strong>How can I chip away at being conflict averse? <\/strong>When it comes to difficult conversations (e.g., not meeting someone\u2019s expectations, letting someone down, or being let down), I actually think I\u2019m okay in keeping a cool head and addressing the issue. But I\u2019m not often the first to bring it up, or be proactive about it. This goes for the workplace especially, but in dating &amp; friendships I could do with bringing up things early instead of doing my usual \u201cwell, maybe if I wait long enough everything it won\u2019t become a problem\u201d. Maybe this is why I am so drawn to people who are blunt (see: many New Yorkers and the Dutch). I want to be able to develop that kind of quality myself.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><strong>How can I be a good host? <\/strong>That could mean being a good host in my apartment, or even a good host in the bookstore. For all my life I\u2019ve been excellent at being a professional guest, learning the rules and unspoken rules and abiding by them, even thriving under them. But what happens when I am the one setting the rules and the vibe? I have to be more mindful of the setting I am trying to create. I hope it\u2019s something cozy and warm to start off with though.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>How can I be more intentional in building deeper <em>local<\/em> friendships? (Or even: introducing friends to each other?) <\/strong>Towards the end of 2022, Amy asked me how many people I\u2019d be able to call at at moment\u2019s notice that <em>also<\/em> live in New York City. I thought that was a good barometer for how many deep friendships I am building up post-university. The next muscle to exercise would then be to introduce friends to each other! My usual friendship mode is to be a floater across different bubbles. One close friend here in this friend group, one close friend there in another friend group. Many of my close friends don\u2019t know each other, but they certainly hear about each other \u2014 introducing them to each other in person could be fun.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>What\u2019s the game I\u2019m playing? <\/strong>Credits to a cafeteria conversation with my research teammate and mentor Fabian: am I playing the status and prestige game, where I\u2019m pouring all my resources into winning the respect of strangers, or even superficial respect from friends and family? Or the universal love and appeal game, where I\u2019m begging to be wanted and desired by everyone (even if I may not even want their company in the first place?). When I ask Fabian what game he was playing, he mentioned something about the compassion game, where the goal is to become even kinder and more understanding of others. I didn\u2019t realize that was an option for a game. I\u2019d much rather play that one.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>A few weeks ago I received an email from my adorable Italian landlord, Alberto:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image\"><a href=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/substackcdn.com\/image\/fetch\/f_auto%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep\/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F34f9f5ec-eb49-40d0-912d-f83fbfe6ec82_509x95.png?ssl=1\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/substackcdn.com\/image\/fetch\/w_1456%2Cc_limit%2Cf_auto%2Cq_auto%3Agood%2Cfl_progressive%3Asteep\/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F34f9f5ec-eb49-40d0-912d-f83fbfe6ec82_509x95.png?w=840&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"\"\/><\/a><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Save for the romantic love part, on paper I think I have just about everything I want or had sought after when I was a student: dear friends, and the ability to do research work in the city of my dreams! I could probably use more sleep though, less stress at work, and take better care with keeping my room tidy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Will it stay this dreamy way forever? Of course not. But I\u2019d like to think I can recognize a good thing when I see it. There\u2019s also a real chance that I might get laid off from my job next week, so I might even be on the cusp of another transition period.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>My honeymoon period for living in NYC is over, but I\u2019d like to think that makes room for me to build something even deeper.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Thanks for reading! Hope to stick around for next year. In the meantime, it\u2019s time to visit my family in Hong Kong \u2014 Grandpa is 98! Greetings from an airbus in the sky.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Uh, I\u2019m way late to the annual reflection train \u2014 it\u2019s already spring and even Lunar New Year was two months ago. I\u2019ll carry on as if it\u2019s still a fresh start. (Plus: any time is a good time for reflection). I hope you had the chance to celebrate with loved ones \u2014 or at &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/wesleyschan.com\/blog\/2022-reflections\/\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading<span class=\"screen-reader-text\"> &#8220;2022 reflections&#8221;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4015","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p3MSpn-12L","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wesleyschan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4015","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wesleyschan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wesleyschan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wesleyschan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wesleyschan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4015"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/wesleyschan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4015\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4024,"href":"https:\/\/wesleyschan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4015\/revisions\/4024"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wesleyschan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4015"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wesleyschan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4015"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wesleyschan.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4015"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}