Uh, I’m way late to the annual reflection train — it’s already spring and even Lunar New Year was two months ago. I’ll carry on as if it’s still a fresh start. (Plus: any time is a good time for reflection). I hope you had the chance to celebrate with loved ones — or at the very least, with a good meal.
I’m 28 now. I’m hitting that milestone era where more and more dear friends are making new babies, adopting cats & dogs, getting engaged. I don’t have any of those particular milestones just yet, but there are other ones I’d like to celebrate. Milestones like:
- Finding a second home at the Yu & Me Bookstore: This one’s the most life changing for me.I started the year off with one job (research) and now I have two (bookselling and tending bar at the Yu & Me Bookstore on Fridays & Saturdays). It all started as a happy accident. An old friend told me about their opening day in December 2021, and I loved it so much I just kept coming back every Sunday. Turns out if you hang out in one spot for long enough you eventually start making friends. These days the store feels like an extended living room where I have the chance to meet artists, chefs, neighborhood characters — and even some writing heroes. I’m so grateful to Lucy & the community there. I thought I’d be more anxious about giving up free time on Friday and Saturday evenings, but that hasn’t been the case at all.
- Saying farewell to Clubhouse (or: decoupling my social life from apps alone): In 2021 and in the first half of 2022, Clubhouse dominated my social life. During the height of the pandemic, I spent nearly 40 hours per week on it. And when I wasn’t on the app, I’d be hanging out with Clubhouse friends in the flesh. People would fly halfway around the world to meet up in New York City, and I’d meet them in real life after only hearing their voice for months. I still keep in touch with some Clubhouse friends but it’s been a long time since I’ve even had the app on my phone. (Oddly enough, my dating life is still dominated by apps like Hinge. You’d think more meet-cutes would happen with the world opening up again, or with me hanging out in the bookstore all the time. Maybe I’m doing it all wrong).
- Living a third full year in New York City! I made it! Am I allowed to call myself a New Yorker yet? One surprise is that three years of New York City living has turned me into a giant softie. I can think of two moments where I cried in public as an adult last year: once in the East Village Theatre while watching Everything Everywhere All at Once and once outside of Morgenstern’s ice cream after catching up with an old friend for the first time in five years after falling out with them. The reason for the waterworks: why didn’t we just talk and resolve our argument five years ago? We both felt so silly about it all. And then a couple months ago my eyes got all watery in the middle of a Brooklyn coffee shop after Amy shared a poem (The Quiet World by Jeffrey McDaniel). Anyways, I thought NYC life was supposed to make me a hard-ass and it didn’t.
More events to note from 2022:
- Going on reunion tours as an adult: After I switched research teams from classic Facebook to Reality Labs, I went on a one-month reunion tour to see old friends from an exchange year in the Netherlands — some of whom I hadn’t seen in nearly a decade. The core spirit and dynamic was still intact (mutual curiosity, warmth, good nature & silly humor) even though we have many more responsibilities now compared to when we were students. For my friends who became moms and dads, some of them still live vibrant social lives — to this day I am fascinated by how Maja holds down a job + teaches blues dancing classes in the city + while having a 1-year old. I’m nowhere near being a parent just yet, but it’s good to know it’s not the “end of a social life”.
- Said farewell to Grandma in Portland: first over the phone when she was alive and then again for the funeral. Is it funerals and weddings that bring the widest range of people to a single gathering? Great to see mom’s side of the family again (how would I have turned out if I grew up in Portland instead of San Jose? My first guess is that I’d be a lot more into sports). Even met some new cousins since it’s been so long since I last returned there.
- Got a haircut. That sounds silly, but after I jumped into the Washington Square Park fountain with Wendy and lost my glasses, I figured it was time to say farewell to the long pandemic hair I grew. (If I need new glasses I may as well switch up my entire look). The long hair was starting to get in the way when I ate noodles anyways. When I told my dad he said he was going to celebrate with a fancy milkshake.
What do I think went well in 2022?
- Trying out new experiments beyond my research day job. I think it’s fun to not let daydreams remain daydreams. I wanted to try out ceramics, so I tried ceramics (there’s a cute studio in Brooklyn that offered wheel throwing classes). I wanted to try out bartending, so I took classes and now I can make a cheeky cocktail whenever I want. And now with the bookstore job, my fantasy of being both a bartender and a bookseller gets to be fulfilled in one full swoop, even if the extent of the bartending is opening up a beer can and pouring out bagged wine (although the bagged wine has gotten fancier since my school days).
- Learning how to make the most out of weekday nights. In the past I would mostly just do more work at my research day job. That’s cool, but I do think it represents a long-term opportunity cost: the world is so big, and there’s so much more to learn beyond my immediate work projects. An additional several hours of work in the evening usually only leads to marginal increases in actual work output. And I’d like to think I’ve gotten more creative than simply sinking some pints at the Book Club, or the Craft & Carry on St. Mark’s. You’ll still find me there, but I’m having less lonely beers than during the earlier days of the pandemic.
What do I think could have gone better?
- Maybe I can shoot for 1-2 quiet evenings per week? Since the second half of 2022 I’ve been packing my schedule — nearly every single day and every single night I’ve been making plans with friends, dates, and work teammates in the city. On one hand this was great for developing social stamina. A night out or back-to-back hours of socialization do not drain me for an entire day afterwards. I don’t want to say “oh poor me, I have so many people to see that I’m out every single evening”. But I am looking forward to a more focused 2023. Sometimes I think it’s distracting me from other goals I’d like to be mindful about, like reading my ever-growing pile of unread books or even writing more. Watch me struggle with this though, the temptations are so strong while living in Manhattan.
- Expressing vulnerability™, or even preferences & desires: Earlier in the year I received a very interesting piece of feedback from someone I was dating: “I never know when you’re hungry, when you’re thirsty, when you’re tired, when you’re sad or angry — and because of that, I don’t really feel like I know you.” For the longest time I thought that being mature was learning how to stomach things: learning how to endure, how to stay the course, and needing less from other people. I actually still think that’s great, but maybe it’s time to let people in a bit more, especially when love is on the table, and if it means developing fuller friendships & relationships. There is a cost to be being too easygoing, and I’m seeing the limits of that. (I also think a large part of this is because I’m still learning what my preferences are).
Questions on my mind:
- How can I chip away at being conflict averse? When it comes to difficult conversations (e.g., not meeting someone’s expectations, letting someone down, or being let down), I actually think I’m okay in keeping a cool head and addressing the issue. But I’m not often the first to bring it up, or be proactive about it. This goes for the workplace especially, but in dating & friendships I could do with bringing up things early instead of doing my usual “well, maybe if I wait long enough everything it won’t become a problem”. Maybe this is why I am so drawn to people who are blunt (see: many New Yorkers and the Dutch). I want to be able to develop that kind of quality myself.
- How can I be a good host? That could mean being a good host in my apartment, or even a good host in the bookstore. For all my life I’ve been excellent at being a professional guest, learning the rules and unspoken rules and abiding by them, even thriving under them. But what happens when I am the one setting the rules and the vibe? I have to be more mindful of the setting I am trying to create. I hope it’s something cozy and warm to start off with though.
- How can I be more intentional in building deeper local friendships? (Or even: introducing friends to each other?) Towards the end of 2022, Amy asked me how many people I’d be able to call at at moment’s notice that also live in New York City. I thought that was a good barometer for how many deep friendships I am building up post-university. The next muscle to exercise would then be to introduce friends to each other! My usual friendship mode is to be a floater across different bubbles. One close friend here in this friend group, one close friend there in another friend group. Many of my close friends don’t know each other, but they certainly hear about each other — introducing them to each other in person could be fun.
- What’s the game I’m playing? Credits to a cafeteria conversation with my research teammate and mentor Fabian: am I playing the status and prestige game, where I’m pouring all my resources into winning the respect of strangers, or even superficial respect from friends and family? Or the universal love and appeal game, where I’m begging to be wanted and desired by everyone (even if I may not even want their company in the first place?). When I ask Fabian what game he was playing, he mentioned something about the compassion game, where the goal is to become even kinder and more understanding of others. I didn’t realize that was an option for a game. I’d much rather play that one.
A few weeks ago I received an email from my adorable Italian landlord, Alberto:
Save for the romantic love part, on paper I think I have just about everything I want or had sought after when I was a student: dear friends, and the ability to do research work in the city of my dreams! I could probably use more sleep though, less stress at work, and take better care with keeping my room tidy.
Will it stay this dreamy way forever? Of course not. But I’d like to think I can recognize a good thing when I see it. There’s also a real chance that I might get laid off from my job next week, so I might even be on the cusp of another transition period.
My honeymoon period for living in NYC is over, but I’d like to think that makes room for me to build something even deeper.
Thanks for reading! Hope to stick around for next year. In the meantime, it’s time to visit my family in Hong Kong — Grandpa is 98! Greetings from an airbus in the sky.