2023 marked the end of my third full year in New York City. By the numbers, this is the most stability I’ve had in my 20s:
- Three years of working at the same company — I normally do the Silicon Valley groove of bouncing within two.
- Three years of living in the East Village, two in my current apartment studio next to my adorable Italian landlord Alberto.
- Two years of hanging around the Yu & Me bookstore as a second living room, not just as a second job.
Last year didn’t feel so stable though. Especially when you consider ongoing layoffs across the tech industry, the bookstore literally burning down, and wars directly affecting people I care about. I’m surprised more things haven’t blown up yet.
I also turned 29. I can feel urgency & angst bubbling within me — the sense that it’s time to get serious™. But serious about what?
I’m realizing more and more how precious free time is. Now is the time to push harder on what I want to learn & experience until other life duties catch up. I’m in a fortunate position where my family is healthy, and I’m not expected to be the breadwinner for anyone other than myself — this isn’t a time period I want to squander.
What were some of the major life events this year?
Some endings, some new beginnings:
Visiting family in Hong Kong in April, saying farewell to Grandpa. 爺爺 was getting old, so we flew over to see him one last time. He’s my last grandparent after all. We were fortunate to catch him, he passed away peacefully several weeks later. 99 years is a solid run. I hope to be able to live that long, too.
- During this trip, I wondered which genes seem to be dominant for the men within the Chan family. After thinking about Dad and Grandpa and watching Dad hang out with his grade school & high school friends, so far I’ve realized it’s 1) having a big appetite, 2) having an inner drive to say hi & acknowledge whoever’s physically around us, and 3) unspoken loyalty to our beloved daily & weekly routines — the same way we may be loyal to close friends and family. If I have kids, I wonder if they’d end up sharing the same quirks.
- I enjoyed hanging out with my extended family: Auntie Alice, Uncle Ming, and my cousins Jemmy, Cayley, and Kalena, and saying hi to all of Mom and Dad’s old friends. I often wonder what life would have been like if I had grown up in Hong Kong instead of California. Uncle Ming still drives the red taxi cabs, and he took us to all the neighborhood spots, late-night fruit markets included. Hong Kong has changed so much since the last time I visited pre-pandemic in 2020. You can hear a lot more Mandarin in the streets. Even the taxi cab models have changed — the classic Toyota Crown Comfort is still there, but now they also have these funny bubble-like taxis for hybrid versions. They’re quite spacious and cute. I still think the classic ones look better in the Hong Kong movies though.
- Watching Dad as an older brother and not just as Dad is fun when Auntie Alice is around. We also got the chance to check out my cousin Jemmy’s day in the life (including his own lunchtime bookstore habit), and his new apartment studio. If you think the housing situation in New York is nuts, wait until you see Hong Kong — having a spot of your own is a huge flex, many people live with their family until they start their own. On the last day, we did a cousin’s night out over in Lan Kwai Fong, one of those party districts known for late-night shenanigans. Like St. Mark’s Place in Manhattan, but even more dense with people flowing onto the streets.
- Months later in December, we tried some of Grandpa’s 40+ year old tea that he kept until his death (普洱茶 / Pu’er tea). It’s in the form of a giant circular tea brick. Why he kept it all this time is beyond me (maybe another thing we share: getting attached to old things), but the tea tastes excellent. Brewing that tea is another way of having him around.
Big tech layoffs. For Meta, layoffs were happening at the same I was visiting family in Hong Kong. I left my work phone & laptop at home so I’d worry less, but I did ping friends via Instagram to check if my internal workplace profile got deactivated. Did you “get fried”, my family would ask in Cantonese (same fried as fried squid). What I appreciated is the spirit of celebrating if I got laid off, and celebrating if I didn’t all the same. Regardless of the outcome, they are both new beginnings — even if you keep your job, your relationship with it is going to change. May as well mark the occasion in a crap situation.
- Fun fact: severance packages in Cantonese can be called 肥雞餐 (fei4 gai1 caan1), or fat chicken dinner.
- Ongoing tech layoffs have me reconsidering how to approach risk. Even big tech companies with billions of active users are not immune from market pressures.
- Will I be a “user experience researcher” forever? Applied research is still fun. But I also wonder about other avenues to be nosy for a living, or what I can do to build the skills required to change the shape of the research work that I do (e.g., tackling challenges that contribute to the frontiers of the field itself, not just a specific product. Or maybe I can explore new fields). For now it’s still a sweet spot.
Bookstore fire on July 4th — and the rebirth two months afterwards. I was at a barbecue hosted by my friend Samson when I see on the WhatsApp group chat a fire started directly above the store. By the time we both reached the bookstore, the place was soaking from the firehoses. Frank the upstairs neighbor and his bulldog Bam Bam didn’t make it; they used to stop by the store on walks and Bam Bam would waddle around and sniff the T-shirts. Some things just suck, and there’s no finger-pointing to be done.
- What do you do when your homie’s dream is full of ashes? In the immediate aftermath, there was nothing to do except commiserate with whiskey time together and wagoning out the books that survived. But the whole bookstore team, Chinatown + literary community showed up to support. Even people living far, far away from NYC showed up. Reading articles about your friends during the rebuilding process is also really inspiring.
- Lucy scored a temporary location in the basement of Essex Market in the Lower East Side, just two months after the fire. It’s an open market, so we ended up selling books next to a sushi restaurant and across the lane to a pickle shop. They were all lovely neighbors though, spoiling the staff with sake and pickles and warmth.
- I was glad when the bookstore re-opened. At the time I was just filling in the Firday & Saturday nights with more dates, social hangouts, and visits to another bookstore + bar combo called the Book Club on E 3rd Street (another favorite haunt).
Witnessing dear friends get married. I’ve officially entered the wedding season of my life. One in upstate New York with Brian & Mel. One in Alabama with Ryan & Bianca. Both weddings also doubled as exchange year and college reunions.
- I love watching dear friends in love, and watching them be surrounded with the love they deserve. Something both couples do well: how they keep in touch with so many other kind & thoughtful people over the different decades of their life. I think I gravitate towards that kind of quality in close friendships. How fortunate I feel to learn from each of them.
- Wrote a wedding toast for the first time at Brian & Mel’s. Their guidance: anything so long as it’s under two minutes. Presenting in front of 100+ people at a campfire was nerve-racking (how do I say I love you in two minutes in front of everyone?), but for dear friends like them — I’ll do it for sure. The advice I heard from friends while writing the toast: keep it short & sweet, it’s all about the vibes. Everybody will be itching to party it up right afterwards anyways.
- With the toast muscles all warmed up, I even did an impromptu one in Alabama together with Wes, my college roommate Ryan’s childhood friend. This one was an intimate “double wes toast” after many beers + espresso martinis in, and after the official ceremony was already long over. There’s a very giggly audio recording out there somewhere.
- I experienced some wedding traditions for the first time: with Brian & Mel, there was witnessing the ketubah, and the hora dance where you lift the bride and groom up on chairs and dance around in circles — had always seen that in movies, but in real life the energy is electrifying. For Alabama: it was watching the bride & groom (and their parents) do 10-second kegstands the same evening as the wedding ceremony. Wow!
Joining the Cantonese Discord channel group. The Cantonese Alliance was started by Lee Dennig over at Stanford University, and is part of the larger “Save Cantonese” movement. Like many good things last year, I learned about this Discord channel from a cool bookstore customer named Matthew. The Discord channel is volunteer-run, and they host live discussions and lessons every single week on topics like history, food, personal storytime about growing up in southern China, and so on. I try and get on here at least once a week when I’m not traveling.
- Why this sudden urge to relearn Cantonese? I think visiting Hong Kong for the first time since the pandemic + Grandpa’s death had something to do with it. There’s a risk of losing my connection to my cultural heritage if I don’t develop my Cantonese now. The bookstore customers and the local Chinatown community have also been encouraging me to seek more opportunities to practice Cantonese.
- The weekly sessions can be humbling: in small groups of 5-7 people, there’s no hiding — I am often visibly and audibly the weakest out of everyone. But the more I can get over that shame, the quicker I’ll be able to make progress on language learning.
- Realization: some of my choices in adulthood are largely making up for goofball moves in my youth, like dropping out of Chinese school on Saturdays. So now I make up for it by going on Tuesday nights
What do I think went well in 2023?
- Engaging the NYC community, learning new ways of sharing the city with loved ones. I’m starting to feel a sense of belonging in the city. I have my spots where I’m a “regular” and say hi to everyone (e.g., V-Nam Cafe, Kong Sihk Tong, Tokuyamatcha & Onigarizu Bar). And I have my regulars when I’m working at the bookstore. And now I can even say I have close friends who live a train line or two away from me, not only in different time zones or cities. When my family came to visit in NYC earlier last year, I also felt a lot more confident in playing tour guide for them. One of my top memories together was riding the ferry all the way from Astoria down to Wall Street (that’s a great date idea too, by the way).
- Making the most out of weekday nights (socially, at least). I was about to write that having plans 5-7 nights a week for ~90% of the weeks last year was excessive. But at the same time, I think it fits my stage of life. I was able to explore a lot about nurturing platonic and romantic love within a very condensed period of time — which is helpful since I’m very a late bloomer when it comes to matters of the heart. I’ll likely calm down for 2024 though. Let’s say I’ll have plans 4-5 nights a week for this year. 😉
- Practicing crucial conversations™, both at work and in personal relationships. I hate conflict. Arguing and fighting unsettles me. But there are such things as productive conflicts — I remember long ago my research mentor Colleen said she only has arguments with & for people she cares about, otherwise she wouldn’t bother with the trouble. I think I follow a similar path.
- Turns out the workplace is a great place to practice these tough conversations. It got tough enough with some challenging stakeholders that I asked for help from my research manager Daniel, and we started a tradition of kicking off weekly meetings with talking about: “what did you say ‘no’ to last week, and how did you say it”.
- I’ve been hearing from different friend groups I’ve been getting more confident in drawing boundaries, sharing sad news, or even expressing anger & discontent. I’ve been using those same muscles to ask for something I may be embarrassed about wanting (say, affection), or even in ending things amicably when a potential relationship is not working out. I think I’m on good terms with many people I dated longer-term because of that. No dilly-dallying, at least when it comes to the more tender feelings.
- Staying afloat & collected in critical moments. The late 20s are chaotic in general, with people hooking up, breaking up, and diverging in life “milestones”. I’m just glad I kept my head on straight and didn’t make any rash decisions in ending friendships for resolvable reasons or ragequitting my day job during the more absurd moments, or whenever my ego felt bruised. I definitely fantasized about giving some people the middle finger.
What do I think could have gone better in 2023?
- Keeping up correspondence with dear friends I don’t see regularly. This is the one I am most embarrassed by. I showed up for friends who live in NYC, but I didn’t show up for faraway friends! There’s this big ball of guilt following me around, like I am the friendship killer with my neglect. Friends have sent me lovely postcards, and I have yet to reply. There were even some check-in messages to see if I’m okay. (I totally am, if a bit disorganized). Rather than just mope around and feel guilty about this again, I can simply write them back.
- Health: getting more sleep, and strengthening my knees. I am a reasonably healthy fellow, but recoveries aren’t as fast as they used to be. I smashed my knees after a bicycling accident on my 29th birthday and while I can do light hikes and go up and down stairs again, it’s been several weeks since I last went for a run. And towards the end of the year, I noticed myself taking accidental micro-naps in the middle of the afternoon at my desk or even during larger group meetings just from the lack of sleep. I’m still young, but I’m feeling less invincible than I used to.
- Getting stuck in a creative rut. I’m looking at the goals I wrote in my last annual reflection, and it talks a lot about writing. But how much did I write outside of my day job last year? Not so much — even my usual snail mail habit fell through. Luckily, I know the culprit: I simply didn’t dedicate time and space to it! I was wandering around outside so much. So I’d like to dedicate purposeful time to that this year.
- Keeping clean and tidy. If you’ve been to my place, you’ve probably seen it in various stages of tornado disaster. Time for me to stop living like a college dorm room guy. The same goes for my office desk with all sorts of loose papers and knick-knacks spread about. I like to think I have a lot of things together: career, friends, a community. I want to make my living situation a part of that, too.
Questions I’d love to explore this year in 2024:
- What am I actually looking for in a long-term relationship? And what’s the work I’m willing to put in for one? I’ve been in a few different almost-relationships over the past year. Almost-relationships as in: having serious conversations, being exclusive for the time we’re dating, maybe even having a toothbrush at their place — but always stopping short of going through the dance of introducing each other to friends & family as “this is my boyfriend / girlfriend / partner”. Often it ends when we both acknowledge 1) we don’t want the same things (e.g, kids or no kids?), or 2) we want the same things, but at different times (e.g., I’d love to be married and be a father, but not within the next two years).
- Maybe I need to be honest with myself and consider whether career and community are taking the top priority for me right now, over relationships. (Watch me ignore everything at a moment’s notice in 2024).
- How can I make better use of my mornings and evenings outside of the office or bookstore? There’s a guy named LindyMan on Twitter who talks about the “4HL”, or the 4-hour life, where if you work the traditional 9-5 office job and factor in other things like commuting & basic life duties, you have about four hours to yourself each day. I have an office job, so uh, that’s my situation. So long as I’m in that setup, I would like to find a way to make the most out of those 4 daily hours, especially towards being creative, even building towards something that requires dedicated focus for a year or longer (e.g., a book, not just an essay).
- “When’s the last time you took a big swing?” Big swings as in: taking big risks in career and life decisions. Moving to New York City in January 2020 was one big swing that worked out well beyond my wildest dreams. That was also four years ago. Life is only going to get more complicated as I get older, so if there’s a time to take some big risks, now is the time.
- But now comes the hard part: what to swing at? I am thinking the two big swings I’d like to take this year are in career and relationships, but even I don’t know what that that would look like.
Overall, I’m happy and grateful with how 2023 went. Got the chance to say goodbye to Grandpa one last time. Kept two jobs I like, economic conditions and literal fires be damned. And I’m feeling a lot more confident in how I communicate in friendships and relationships.
Now it’s time to refocus a bit in 2024, and make sure I’m dedicating my energy to the right places. As Finn from “Adventure Time” says: “no more pajamas”.
I also have a fat three-week cough as I’m writing this, the kind that makes my ribs hurt. Maybe this will be what gets me to go to the doctor’s office for the first time in four years. Cheers to Christy for the Pei Pa Koa (which I think tastes great, like licorice) and to Lucy for the get-well-soon Pop Tarts.
Is this what it means to be Chinese American? Har har. (Just kidding, I refuse to be reduced to loquat leaf syrup and brown sugar)
