Category: Life

(a little bit of) silence is golden

Prof. Scott Klemmer on silence:

“When I first started teaching, I made a mistake that a lot of young teachers make. I would ask the class for a question and after 17 milliseconds when nobody had answered, I would jump in and offer the answer myself.

I trained the students that they didn’t need to be  part of the class, that I would always answer every question. There was no reason to participate.

~

One of my colleagues [Jim Hollan] taught me to wait a little longer, and it’s amazing. Even in a quiet classroom before students are used to interacting — let a few seconds of silence happen, and people will start to chime in. The same is true in interviews. You may get a quick answer at first. Let some silence happen. After a few seconds, you’ll hear the second story.

And the second story is often a lot more interesting.”

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The same is true for conversations with an old friend. Let there be a bit of silence, especially when the question you are asking requires that the other person be vulnerable (and that is a lot to ask for). And when there is silence, don’t use it as an opportunity to think of things for yourself to say — that is the opposite of listening and understanding the other person. Give the other person a chance to think and say what she wants to say before butting in with your own story.

Every once in a while I’ll bump into a new couple who’s obviously super into each other. They’re easy to spot — constantly giggling in each other’s company, and sharing inside jokes that nobody else in the room understands (and  worse, they won’t bother to explain them! “Long story” they say). The more irritating ones may even say, “we finish each other’s sentences!” to show how cute they are together.

But why would you want to do that? I thought making assumptions breaks relationships!

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One important caveat: there is an emphasis on a little bit of silence. Too much and the conversation thread will end. Too little and the conversation can devolve into a bout of verbal diarrhea.

Comfortable silences rise when both people trust that the other is just as invested in the relationship as they are. That doesn’t always happen, so I try to cherish it when it does.

 

 

 

Source: Lecture 2.2. "Interviewing". You can find the excerpt at the 10:50 mark in Klemmer's / UCSD's "Intro to Human-Computer Interaction Design" course on Coursera.org.

missing the shot

ihouse_missingshot

I was walking back from a late breakfast when I saw a father and son at the far end of the walkway practicing their penalty kicks between the trees. It’s the son’s turn to kick, and he steps backward like all the pros on TV.

Three seconds later the kid is on his ass and the ball hasn’t moved an inch. That’s what happens when you try to jump kick something that’s on the ground. Another ten seconds passed before he couldn’t hold the tears inside anymore.

Which hurts more? The pain of hitting your tailbone on the gravel, or the pain of feeling humiliated after missing a stationary ball? (and in front of your dad, too, when all you want is for him to feel proud of you)

~

I’m twenty now, but even I still feel like that kid. Miss the shot and disappoint yourself and your teammates, who wanted to see you succeed just as much as you did. Miss the metaphorical boat and imagine everyone going off in their separate, amazing directions — but without you.

What then?

Here’s something I tell myself: take the next shot. Take the next boat. It will not be the same as the one you missed, but if you keep your eyes open, you can still reach interesting places.

~

The father walked up and hugged his child. He didn’t say much else, and he didn’t need to.

I’ll see them doing the same next week anyway.

whatever works

The medical profession drains people’s emotions, so the med students and teachers (the more sociable ones at least) cope by developing a morbid sense of humor. One professor said he loves to make comparisons with medical conditions and food.

“Cheesy necrosis” made him giggle. When was the last time he was able to use that?

 

From a class field trip to the Medical Education-Telemedecine (MET) Building in UCSD. Lots of cool (a.k.a. expensive) medical equipment there.

thanksgiving

I was reaching in the back of the cupboard for another wine glass when I saw one I hadn’t seen before — small and tiny, with a cartoon that says “Downtown Los Altos: Art & Wine Festival 1993”. That’s one year before I was born.

Mom and Dad had gone to a lot of those kinds of festivals before they had my brother and I. Just another reminder that they are people, too, with their own lives, dreams, and fears before they became “Mom” and “Dad”.

downtownlosaltos

I went back home to San José to my mom and dad and brother like I usually do for Thanksgiving. And as an unspoken tradition, we woke up early for some dim sum, this time going to the King Wah restaurant in Milpitas. Chinese restaurants are still open on Thanksgiving, and you’ll see a lot of families lining up hoping to get brunch.

Then some family friends came over and we had a cozy time. Dad’s lobster, Mom’s broccoli — we even had a whole turkey that I am still digesting now. I forget when was the last time we had that.

Last year was the only Thanksgiving I ever spent away from family, so it’s nice to be with them again this year. How comforting to know that there will always be a place to return to, so long as my parents are still around.

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Mom and Dad say we lead charmed lives. I think so, too. Many good things happen to us, many times out of sheer luck. That doesn’t always happen in the world, and I’m glad I’ve been taught to appreciate it when it does.

a litmus test: “would anyone say the opposite?”

You’re at a job interview — no, you’re at a coffee date —  and you’re asking the other person to tell a little bit about themselves. What motivates them? What drives them? What are the things that keep them up at night, or dreaming during the day? They’ve got an answer, and you’re listening.

“I want to make the world a better place!”

Urrrghh — you cringe a bit.  They probably mean well, but their cheery do-gooder intentions have been lost upon you.

Why is that?

Because that statement doesn’t actually mean anything. You’ll never hear anyone say: “I want to make the world worse.” You won’t hear Miss America saying she wants more wars, more hunger, and more suffering for humanity.

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In a casual conversation you can follow-up with questions like how will you make the world a better place? — anything to invite the speaker to share or clarify what they think.

But you don’t have that opportunity to cover your tracks if you’re doing a presentation, holding a speech, or writing a letter.

A similar situation happens in the realm of dating. Many single men will say that they’re a “nice guy.” Okay, cool. That’s the bare minimum. What else can you offer? Nobody is going to say they’re an asshole straight off the bat. (And if they do, you can believe them).

~

In whatever you choose to say or write, ask yourself: “would anyone say the opposite?”. It’s an effective way to cut down on the fluff that comes out of your head.

Words are powerful. Make them count.

 

Idea from a portfolio review night with Don Norman.

the wrong way to introduce someone

I make it a point to remember people’s names. I don’t get it right all the time, but I do my best since I know how warm it feels when somebody I’ve only met briefly remembers my name. It’s a good feeling — being remembered and being acknowledged as an equal.

~

Someone in the International House at San Diego had their 21st birthday a couple of weeks ago. “Have you said ‘happy birthday’ to ______ yet?” asked people passing by. I never met the birthday girl, but I supposed this was the best time to say hello. It was the first week of school, and everybody was trying to meet each other anyway.

I made my way to the birthday girl and introduced myself. Hi, I’m your neighbor, and I heard it was your birthday! She furrowed her eyebrows and gave me a limp handshake. I wondered if I had said something wrong.

Less than thirty seconds later she introduces me to her sorority friends as “some random guy I don’t know.”

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Technically that’s true, but my blood started to boil over this title I was suddenly given. I’m her neighbor! I said to the other girls. They gave me these cheery sorority grins and said hi neighbor before heading off on their own way.

I walked out soon afterwards, rather bitter about the whole thing. This was such a small, insignificant interaction, and yet it provoked such a strong response.

Would the birthday girl have done the same if I were part of a fraternity and wearing my letters? Would she have done the same if I had stood a bit taller and kept my voice firmer? A far more ridiculous, sinister voice then popped into my head — would she have done the same if I were some dashing, buff blonde guy with bulging biceps?

Who knows. Many people I’ve met say she’s such a nice person, but wow, what a horrible first impression.

~

I made a promise to myself that I’d never do that to anyone I meet — that even if I don’t know the person that well, I would never introduce them as “some random guy/girl I don’t know”, no matter who they are.

Pretty sure that’s basic human decency.

internship, day 1

day 1: meeting the team

“What’s your background?”
“Cognitive Science, HCI (Human-Computer Interaction).”
“That doesn’t tell me anything.”

He was right. I answered his question, but not the unspoken one. The real one.

He’s not asking about my study background, or my college major. He’s wondering how the hell I can help him and the team with the project. Fair enough – I’m the new intern after all.

 

Running in the Amelisweerd

amelisweerd-bis
photo from: ed mather

I ran around the Amelisweerd every day except Sunday while I was studying in Utrecht. It’s not everyday that an entire forest is in my backyard. I ran around it so much that I thought I may as well take it a step further and train for a marathon.

The Amelisweerd and the neighboring Rijnsweerd are nice escapes if you’d like a bit of quiet time to think and relax. Lots of trails and benches to wander around and rest. (Some students go here to eat magic mushrooms and start seeing interesting things they’ve never seen before — but that one’s up to you).

Good things happen once you visit a place regularly. Familiarity breeds warmth, and you’ll know the nooks and crannies and all the best spots to visit and take a moment to relax. Plus you’ll get to see how the seasons change the landscape, and that’s a wonderful show by itself.

2013-08-18 16.58.30
Some time in September 2013. Kromme Rijn to the left. Running and walking trails on the right.
amelisweerd-paint-shop-pro
“De Kromme Rijn bij Amelisweerd” by ed mather. I lived in the Netherlands during its warmest winter, so I never got the chance to see this much snow. But this is what it would look like!

the usual suspects:
You’ll generally see other runners, old couples strolling around, and people rowing their boat along the river or walking their dogs. This is as close as you can get to nature in Utrecht. Sometimes I’d bump into Marc and Torun on their regular walk.

The cows and sheep will also keep you company, although the cows tend to hide a bit during the winter time. You can even see remnants of the old defense systems that the Dutch installed to protect the land against flooding.

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I got caught in a hailstorm once here. One moment I’m going for a cheeky run in the rain, and the next I’m getting pelted by chunks of ice falling from the sky (the trees in the forest can only give so much cover). The weather forecast didn’t say anything about this.

I started running twice as fast, as did the woman in front of me. Good to know that bad weather makes the feet lighter and the senses sharper, and that there was someone else in the same situation. We exchanged knowing smiles and went off on our separate directions.

We never met again. But I’m sure if we did the hailstorm would have been our first topic of conversation. (“wat een hondeweer!”) Is it still fashionable, talking about the weather? Of course!